Stuck

For the longest time I've abstained from "distractions"; activities which I find enjoyable; dopamine inducing.

The objective has been simple, to maximise my time in creating a workflow to get as many eye-balls as possible, which is imperative for my long-term vision.

Though throughout this process, I can't help notice my yearning for the Type-B creative activities & side of me which I choose to keep boxed-in, shoved in the attic.

I'm a deeply creative punk-loving artist with a deep appreciation for genuine cinema & media, though I relegate this side of mine to only the consumption aspect; consumption of content, through which i vicariously live my dreams.

I hate it. It kills me from within.

I despise how I have to do this boring shit of running a company, creating templatized pieces of content, though I'm perfectly aware of its scalability, and I know i must continue with the same before my next pivot at ~100k followers, but I can't help but feel miserable and burnt-out.

I have the urge to portray my (colorful, lmao) personality through my work, but I can't -- It'll take up too much time + then I'll start chasing views for this content too (defeating the purpose of self-expression)

Maybe this is just a "phase", I don't know.

I'm not proud of my content, not proud of my company, not proud of my life. I'm a fucking loser.

Over the past week, my productivity has been extremely low -- I've been pretty much sleeping all day long, and the only activity I look forward to is eating food -- it's disgusting. I'm disgusted by myself.