“Mediocrity”

I have a very weird relation to this word. It’s a simple ten letter word, but the impact it has made on my life, and the way it has burrowed into my consciousness, is unlike any other word.

I’m mediocre. I’m a misfit. I’m not what I would want to be, ever.

People say the comparison is the “thief” of “joy”. Joy, akin to bliss, is something that shackles us. Forces us to be sub-standard, or hell, “standard”. “Average”. Comparison might be the thief of joy just like how ignorance is bliss.

I’m not the best-looking guy. I’m not tall (which is perhaps my biggest insecurity). I don’t come from the best of socio-economic backgrounds (not being ungrateful, just mentioning), and nor am I the smartest. I’m below average, if anything.

I’ve been mediocre my whole life, especially till I entered eight grade. I was a massively obese kid with no hobbies, almost failing marks, and just useless. “Dharti pe bojh” types.

Then, well, I took a bit of an extreme step in ninth grade, starved myself for a month and a half, and lost about 30 kilos.

Coming to why I’m rambling about this crap; I’ve recently started going to the gym—my first time ever at one, and I’ve never felt more like a misfit than when I’m here. I’m practically like sort of a failure in front of these tall, muscular guys. I’m having trouble doing these lateral raises or whatever with a 3KG dumbbell while this fucker here is having no problem doing the same exercise with 35KG+ dumbbells.

I personally know of so many prodigies; someone who got AIR 1 in a competitive exam, someone who got a fantastic rank in NEET while partying + having excellent ECs, someone who got a full-scholarship to a fantastic Uni + attractive + confident + charming, and whatever. When I look at myself in the mirror (which I don’t really like doing to be very honest), I feel, shit.

To conclude, I think that being a loser is sort of the only ace up my sleeve.

When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.

P.S. This rambling is not a cry for help, or to get sympathy, pity, or whatnot. It’s a choice I’m consciously making; to live like this. I’m just documenting it on the internet while presenting a facet of my personality which ia a bit deeper than what can be seen on the surface. Would definitely come in handy when I got famous, haha—it’ll humanize me.