“किसी का दर्द मिल सके तो ले उधार"

Warning: Bullshit emotional spewing ahead

It’s 6:11 AM, and like usual, I’m unable to sleep. I’ve been listening to cute-sy music since the past like five hours, and I, mistakingly, let my inner-child (cute-sy)/child-ish side out, and well, the person I was speaking to, made me feel like shit (and even though I shouldn’t say it, made me cry) for being who I am.

Oh well, that’s what I get for, well, whatever.

Coming back to the topic at hand now though. I’ve been a sad, miserable fuck (willingly) my whole life, but I’ve been surrounded by such fantastic people and it breaks my heart when they’re sad. I can’t bear to watch such sweet and like, people who deserve all the happiness in the world become depressed, or have sort of sad things happen to them.

I’m sad, that’s fine. I’ve done “bad” things, and honestly, I choose to be sad. I like wallowing in my misery—I find comfort in it.

I think this feeling of trying to you know cheer people up, or atleast, this strong, strong feeling in my stomach—this disdain—it comes from the experience of witnessing my mother (whom I do not speak with anymore) faced such tremendous hardships throughout her life.

Constant fights; verbal and physical, yet she didn’t make her misery stop. She, being such a (idiotic) kind soul went right back at it, and continued being miserable in the ecosystem in which she was at.

Every fucking day I saw that woman cry, and cry, and cry, and yet, she was somehow so kind to me. To everyone? Ofcourse, she wasn’t an angel, she made mistakes + fucked up, but dude, nobody’s perfect. One day though, I just gave up. Yes, it was very selfish, but I couldn’t be that guy who’d watch someone like her suffer day in, and day out, and after hours of consoling, go back and make the same mistake all over again.

It’s always the same story. Same thing with my dog (father’s dog) + my exes, and god, maybe I’m the problem.

Whatever.

But dude, these two songs, I really love. Especially the first one.

Link: 'Kisi Ki Muskurahaton Pe Nisar’ by Mukesh

Link: ‘How To Never Stop Being Sad’ by Dandelion Hands

P.S. This rambling might not make any sense as I’m sleep deprived + I don’t like talking about my emotions + have to keep some details vague.