I will never have a home

Day before yesterday, on my routine night walk, I was not really feeling that great. I was feeling pretty low, then somehow I came across this song from my playlist, I forgot which song, but it sort of gave way to this realization that I will never have a “home”, a house, yes, maybe, but never a home

A home is not guided by the structural boundaries of a building, a home’s capacity is not defined by the amount of bedrooms it may have, a home’s worth can never be calculated in plain monetary terms

A home consists of your support-system, a place where you came to, people whom you come to, who give you (most people would argue unconditional, but I don’t believe in the concept of unconditional) love

I will never have a home because I am very fragile. Thought I may act tough, though I may act stoic, but deep within me, I’m probably one of the most fragile and broken people I know, and I refuse to let anyone “heal” me

Whenever I’ve gotten “love”, I’ve dejected it, gone far from it

• Why?

  • Because I’m afraid of being emotionally vulnerable

    • Why?

      • Because I will get hurt if I care too much

        • Why?

          • Because when you “love” someone, and let someone “love” you, you become emotionally attached and start having expectations, which someone is bound to falter on, it’s but natural. I’m scared of that hurting me

            • Why?

              • Past experiences have dictated this trend

                • Why do you let your past define you?

                  • What other reasonable metric do I have to come up with ways of protecting my “heart”

                    • Idk you tell me Mr. Genius

                      • I never said I’m a genius you dumbass, and this is beginning to sound pretty ludicrous. BUH BYE

You know there’s this song which I oddly really like, and sort of relate to. It’s called ‘Tanha Begum’ (translation is Tanha → Lonely, Begum → loosely translated as Woman), do give the song a listen though, pretty please

Ahh fuck, went off-topic

Anyway, as I was saying, there is no purpose to my life, I don’t really give a fuck about money, what will I do with it?

• Spend the money, duh

  • YOU DUMBASS I don’t care about materialistic things. All I really need in life is:

    • Wifi (preferably Ethernet)

    • Queen’s sized bed or even a mattress will do, I’m not picky

    • My computer (not even my phone)

    • Music maybe, and movies

    • YouTube

Yeah that’s pretty much it, I’m pretty low maintenance when I want to be

I don’t care about “status” either — “ugte hue sooraj ko sab salaam karte hai”

I don’t care about sex, well I do care about it, but it’s more or less a number’s game tbvh

But yeah anyway, I have to work now, though I’ve been feeling really burnt out and I hate doing this shit, people my age are doing such crazy work and I’m doing this mindnumbing meaningless bullshit

BUH-BYE