I’m tired

Every day is a rollercoaster for me; in the day-time I might be meeting the top-most people you can meet; ex-chairpersons of government bodies, Chief Ministers, Principals, and whatnot, and during the night, when I’m finally alone, I cannot help but get bouts of intense depression & just cry.

When we step out of our home, we have to put on a facade. An image we want to project; confident, charming, charismatic, and whatnot, but putting on this facade is so damn tiring. It sucks the soul out of you, leaving you hollow.

During the day, when you’re meeting people, when you’re seeing traction, when you’re seeing results, you get a dopamine hit, and you thrive on that cycle. All the sadness gets subdued.

But in this vicious cycle, you forget how you truly feel, especially for “all work, no play” people like me.

I’m a tryhard. I mean it. My life revolves around my work & accomplishments; be it personal or professional.

Hell, the way I describe my personal life is anything not related to Dublieu, but still growth oriented. I don’t have a social life, I don’t go to parties, I don’t go to bars, restaurants, all those fun places.

I cannot afford to, either in terms of money or in terms of bandwidth & time.

That sort of ties into another “insecurity” of sorts of mine.

I usually speak to folks who belong to a certain economic strata; an economic strata that thrives on opulence; an economic strata I do not belong to.

I feel so alienated and shit about myself when I interact with folks from this economic strata.

My mother has provided a shit ton for me, she’s given me the best life that she couldn’t even afford to. She’s sacrificed her dreams for mine, and given a higher priority to me than herself.

Still though, I can’t help but wish that I belonged to a different background which would not have moulded me to be such a tryhard person like I am—I wish I could afford to have fun.

Burnout is real, but you must keep going on. Consistency brings exponential results.

Everybody has one-off accomplishments that they are insanely proud of, but they don’t snowball into exponential results because, well, they’re one-off. Not consistent.