I don’t like being happy

hey you,

Okay, so, I got 2k followers on Insta today (grew from ~100-2k in the span of two days), before that I was still posting everyday, 10-15 times, but barely cracking 100-500 views, pivoted my strat and yeah.

Anyway, that’s not the point

Instead of being “happy”, I’m just so fucking scared. I’m scared that something bad will happen, like my account getting banned for no reason

(I text stuff to myself cause I, well, I’m pretty much the only person I speak to and I like writing every thought and feeling down)

I’m scared cause when I’m feeling happy, I’m much higher on the y-axis (say point 10), and when something bad happens, the fall feels so much more drastic (from 10 → -10 = 20 point fall, rather than 0 → -10 = 10 point fall)

I’m comfortable being sad, because atleast I find some comfort in the misery.

I get an excuse.

Anyway, on a brighter note, some days ago I devided this formula, well not really a formula, but whatever:

belief why I don't want to be happy

happy -> comfortable -> complacent -> not as hungry -> stifles growth

(it’s prob bullshit & an excuse for me to hide my extremely emotional side, but eh, phook it)

P.S. I'm painfully aware of my mediocrity, so what's the point in being "happy", I can never be perfect, but I can atleast try to maximise my 4 KPIs