Falling behind (Part 2)

Honestly, this is probably the umpteenth time I’m writing something on this feeling, but god, I cannot help it.

It honestly feels like my life is slipping away from my hand, that I have no idea what I’m doing, or what I should do. Everything seems to go haywire. Especially with college, I am not able to pay as much attention to Dublieu as I should, and I feel so fucking guilty.

My sleep schedule is completely wrecked, causing me to have even more negative sentiments.

I’ve not gone to the gym in almost a week, and everyday I feel so damn guilty.

I admire people for the different things they have accomplished, and the different aces they have up their sleeve, and sometimes it just gets a bit too much for me. I feel so inadequate.

The person who told me that I might be a manic depressive might actually be right.

Sometimes it’s about my professional life, then sometimes my personal, but god, I think I like feeling shit & miserable. I feel that I find comfort in misery.

From feeling shit that I don’t look as handsome as I should, to feeling shit for not being born to a more well-off family, to feeling shit about having a shitty childhood, to feeling shit about not being in an Ivy, to feeling shit about not being a prodigy.

In front of the world, I have to fake it. I recognize that I have referred to myself as a “prodigy” in my website’s bio, but at the end of the day, that’s just crap, and I have to live with that. I have to fake it in front of others, atleast till I “make” it.

Moreover, I’m so unsure about the fact that whether blogging all of my unfiltered feelings & stream of consciousness like this is actually a good idea, or whether it’s a disaster waiting to unfold.

Most of my ramblings are so depressing, and that’s just pitiful.