Falling behind

It’s currently 1:21 AM, and I’m having another fit of palpitations of sorts—trembling almost by the thought that I’m falling behind—falling behind the competition; the prodigies; the next big thing.

The feeling that I’ve not doing enough, not doing enough, and will probably not do enough to amount so something meaningful—to achieve something after which I can seek my own validation. I believe that I am my harshest critic. It’s very hard to please a critic who knows every little insecurity of yours, every little worry & concern, and every little mistake.

My life is driven by KPIs, not by the usual highs people are chasing. I don’t care about having “fun”, finding a “soulmate”, or any of that chicanery. I care about hitting my KPIs. That’s all.

I, not cry per se, but sort of cry myself to sleep, and try to imagine a fairy tale where I am someone whom I wish I was. Handsome, tall, smart, Stanford grad, and whatnot.

I understand that human wants are endless, and that, as the song goes, ‘Aadmi Chutiya Hai’—humans are fucked-up ungrateful little cunts (yeah, that’s the exact translation for sure)—but dude, I really, really wish I grew up smarter—I wish I was a prodigy like so many of my colleagues.

There’s this song by Laufey (she’s an amazing singer + looks so beautiful), ‘Falling behind’, I can’t stop thinking about it.

I really wish I was better. Honestly.

P.S. This is not that pity-ploy of sorts. I do not want your sympathy. This is just me publicly documenting my journey.