"Directionless"

I often feel very directionless—like a ship in the sea tumbling about without a captain to row it to safety—as if I’m just stumbling on-and-about without a plan, or the next steps laid out in my mind to follow.

This feel is somehow very cyclical for me, it comes around every 2-3 weeks, and I fucking hate it.

I feel that somehow all my efforts towards my company are futile, and that I’ve accomplished nothing—I will accomplish nothing.

Do you remember that meme. the one with the dog in the burning house. I feel exactly like that—”This is fine”.

I hate the farce I have to put up when I step outside, or when I join meetings. I have to be so damn up-beat, so damn energetic and animated.

I hate the crap I post on LinkedIn—such pretentious crap.

I wish I could allow myself to have fun—fun like the other folks I know, but no, no no my dear, you must suffer, cause your belief system centers around the perhaps misguided notion that comfort (brought by a state of rest or constant bliss/fun) stifles growth.

I feel that Dublieu’s growth is slowing down, I feel that Dublieu is crumbling from within—ofcourse, there are many reasons why I feel this, not just due to my hyper manic-depressive state.

I just feel at times to leave everything behind, block everyone, and just, go die in a ditch or something.

Oh well, on a brighter note, 12 more years left to suffer, then perhaps I’ll be able to attain nirvana (not that a state of nirvana really exists, but ignorance is bliss).